On writing sometimes...

Confession - I yell a lot.

I struggle to write deep things on my blog when I feel all is not right. As you can see I haven't blogged about anything real for a while and I find it hard not to be all shouty/stabby/angry in a blog post without feeling like I am pointing fingers rather than releasing feelings. The written word is far harder to not put someone off side when often you are just releasing rather than accusing.

I read an article here about Highly Sensitive Parents.  I think I related so much to the article because it mentioned smell as a big thing and it suggested not to watch the news, which I have avoided for years. Some of the things mentioned were issues I hadn't even considered to be a part of my mental health... but were truly a factor.

Skimming on social media and viewing the inane things that cloud my mental space can do a lot to ruin my day. Getting caught up in the selfishness of community members by not vaccinating their kids or constructing tax free lives can make me come apart with the inward lookingness of people. The loss of consideration of community astounds me. Mostly from people that do these things to change the world. I wonder if they have considered they maybe changing it for the worse?

As an artist that is interested in living sustainably I often find myself put in situation which I am expected to produce the stereotype of people that are categorized as such. I turned away from the word permaculture for a few years after leaving Bill Mollison's farm due to the perception (from other permies not Bill Mollison) that to be a true permaculturalist I would have to reject modern medical advancements and the trend towards hocus-pocus and other 'spiritual' things. As an artist I often feel the expectation to talk the artist garble which I cannot buy into if I don't believe it with my whole heart, I just can't say the words.

I like thinking people. People that will not take a wife's tale, a google search or a tradition as fact. By all means I like a discussion but there must be fact to make me change my mind. I will not believe in something just because of hear-say or a blog told you so. I am a skeptic... and I believe I am well rounded person of general knowledge (except for sport - I can never win trivial pursuit becasue of the sport). I live with passion but will not force my ideas on others if they don't agree. In fact - most of my good friends and I have the best discussions because we are willing to listen and are not forced to think exactly the same. Some people don't understand that becasue I feel a certain way means that I will not enjoy spending time with them. In fact it's the opposite. Variety - the spice of life - and all that.

Where am I going with all of this?

I guess this is a whole heap of words and ideas that have been clouding my mind. I am looking outwards of my cozy home where I am lucky enough to be a stay at home Mum and seeing many things I am frustrated with that I cannot change. I go between wanting to be a recluse and trying to ignore the world or wanting to be instigator that can change the world for the better.

This see-saw is hard to deal with. I do not want to care - I do want to care.

I want to be a full blown artist but often find I spend my time helping others, running programs for others and struggling to make personal time for meaningful personal projects. Perhaps I consider them not as worthy as community work. I often get frustrated with myself for saying yes. I get frustrated that people do not help or get involved. I may not be creating things that the community want to be involved in and I also have to recognize that.

It feels good to release these words. No finger pointing here I promise.

I have no answers and the see-saw will continue. However it is very important to realise that the community we engage with relates directly to personal mental health. Your community may be the people you shop with in the supermarket, people you attend an exhibition opening with, your family or the social network you use. I just ask lightly that we all try to do something community minded this week. Tell someone their hair looks nice or say thankyou and I will try to be a little less shouty this week ... ok I will try tomorrow because today is already ruined.

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Michelle Walker is a Tasmanian born creative. An Artist for life, Visual Arts Teacher, Graphic Designer, Photographer, Hairdresser by trade and mother to two beautiful children.