Last night was the final night of being a part of Kidspot top bloggers for the year. Whilst I am very proud to have been chosen to be a part of the top 30 Personal and Parenting section I was not sure I belong there. I could not attend the Gala night as it would have been so very expensive to attend an event from our state of Tasmania and very hard with a 12 week old baby who still very much needs me in the evenings. I would have loved to go and meet other bloggers but I feel that I am very much a fraud amongst those that make blogging their lives and livelihood.
There comes this thought, again, as to why I blog. I don't really fit into the mummy blogger genre. I may express my opinion on being a mum but it's simply that, my opinion. I don't want to lecture anyone about motherhood, I am not an expert and I certainly don't get taken seriously in that field anyway. As mothers we are all trying our very best regardless of our journey and what works for me would not work for others and their individual babies. I am a little too honest about motherhood's ups and downs which often gets mistaken for hating on the journey. Lets get this clear, I don't but I also don't feel that being a mother makes me a whole person. It certainly adds to my life but is not what I am ALL about. This part of my rant is the reason why I am not very good at joining mothers forums or breastfeeding groups. I am a mother, and yes I am breast feeding successfully right now...but it is not the whole me. I am more than just a mother. I have a life beyond what I can produce with my body. All this shall pass. I will enjoy it while I am here but once that is over then what of me personally?
So do I blog here because I want to be a writer?
Hell no. I am the worst speller and grammar editor and constructor of cool, clear sentences. I struggled all through uni and constantly force myself to try to correct my mistakes prior to using spell check. My words say the things that occur within my head and possibly often don't make proper sense...just like the vomit that floats around inside my head for reals.
I feel a fraud within this blogging world. I don't suck up to people or endorse products unless I can personally connect to those things. Whilst this makes a very bad blog to monetise I do feel that at least my blog is honest. I can't stand falseness and dishonesty. Perhaps this is why I have whittled down the list of friends I can trust and who I chose to hang out with. I'm not known for re-respecting people once that trust is gone. Life is too short to be fake.
Is my blog about my making?
I feel this is more on par with the feel of my writing and was certainly the reason I started. I like to document what I am making. I like to share what I am up to, what my interests currently are and what my family is doing. However, this also make for a terrible blog for being taken serious as a blogger. It is too random. I can't even manage to keep all my photos the same shape and size as serious bloggers know is a must for a proper blog layout. I know that my skills are capable, and possibly advanced, in many areas. I simply cannot stick to one thing. This does not bode well for those following my blog becasue of something I have done, then when I dump it for my latest obsession and not return back to that thing for another two years, I leave them hanging.
I have witnessed so many bloggers that I began with leave their blogs to die a silent death. The community has changed and I feel that I am still to find my following or my place amongst it all. I feel like my flavor of blog is not many peoples cup of tea (unless they know me personally) and I will not play the game of follower finding just for the sake of it. I would love if it happened naturally but after four years of regular blogging I very much doubt it. I think this is indicative of how this blog is for my own personal tastes which is obviously not other peoples. It also makes me very aware of my personality being, perhaps, an acquired taste outside of my blog. My perception of myself is very different to how I can be perceived. This is not something any one of us can change and life goes on. Fuck the haters.
I also LOVE to swear. Like, really love it. It makes me feel better.
I am far from perfect. Life will go on whether I blog or not. I will continue to blog for as long as it feels right. I don't know my future. I don't know what path this blog will take in the future. I'm lucky to know what I am doing tomorrow - lets be honest.
This I guarantee though, it won't be boring. With that - on the journey goes.