{lets talk} Mammories

I see those women.

You know those ones that can wear a button up shirt without gaping. The ones that can find a dress in their size where the cup of that dress doesn't naturally sit halfway up their cleavage. 

I bet those women don't look at the models posing in beautiful dresses in magazines and then reluctantly try to imagine that design bulbous with an enormous bust. I bet they have never bought a top that hung from the nipple and left them looking like a tent rather than a flowing goddess. I bet they have never been told that the bust measurement for clothing in a mail order clothes company was three sizes bigger than your currently worn size. I bet those women have never gotten up in the morning and put a bra on under their pyjamas so they didn't flip flop around in front of the visitors that slept over.

For those women on the smaller side ... I envy you.

I wasn't born with the 'waif look' of the 1990's. Even after a long and successful attempt at a weight loss program (pre-babies) with many kilos lost, I did not go down a cup size.

I have not always felt this way about my bewbs. In fact I quite liked them in high school and my early twenties. If they had just stopped growing around then I would be ever so happy.

Over the years I have had many compliments over my 'large ones'. I have been the envy of many women with my womanly curves... I have also been used as a shelve to place drinks on at the pub and my void was used to throw excess change in (oh the shame!). I find that a night on the town tends to attract unwanted attention from men over the age of 50. Are big boobs popular amongst that generation? My guess is yes and it was often a joke amongst my friends when the usual leering and drooling began as they night wore on and the men gained liquid confidence.

My dislike for my mammories began in my years of hairdressing. Finding a uniform that would fit me and my waif like associates was a battle. Photos taken for the salon adverts always seemed to inadvertently start at my widest point of my blinkers and proceed up to my (seemingly) pin head. The position of having my arms raised and slightly hunched over to cut hair for a decade and a half has given me permanent tight shoulders and back problems. I have no concept of the top part of me not being in pain. I eventually found that an osteopath and massage could ease the pain, but only when I had extra time and money to get it done.

I am a devout bra wearer. I don't like seeing people not giving their melons the proper support. I am forever grateful that my step mother took me in to get a proper bra fitting in my early years. I am not sure the confidence to do a fitting by myself would have come naturally till I was much older.
I look longingly at the pretty, and extremely cheap, bras in clothes shops. I shop at 'proper' bra shops where they charge me a morgage payment for a catapult shaped garment with wide straps, a huge back brace and only come in the colours beige, white or black... and strapless bras ...forget it.
Even in proper bra stores I have had extremes of sales people nearly fondling me in sheer pleasure of fitting me and then others with that look of fear in their eyes not knowing where to start. However the fitting person may react, a fitting is an absolute must for correct fit and proper comfort. No internet sales allowed.

At this point in my life I am a breast feeding mother of my 7 week old baby. I can thank my mounds for letting me feed my baby successfully (this time) and ripping the baby weight off two weeks after giving birth. I look down on them as my baby sucks and I am grateful (mostly), it is not easy or always painless but it is best for baby and not to mention convenient and cheap.  Looking down at the flesh  twice as big as my babies head I am increasingly concerned they will end up like a wind sock on a breathless day. I am also concerned with my baby not being able to get enough air to breath while feeding. One hand supports the baby whilst the other hand pulls the flesh away from his nose to make way for air. This is not good for tea drinking while feeding.

Breast feeding makes me feel strangely connected to this article. Now that I am older and on my second (and more successfully) fed baby I do feel more confident in whipping them out in public. My English born friend has often claimed that Australians are often more concerned with exposure than our European counterparts, I think it is something we get over as we grow older and more confident in not giving a crap.

I am not into looking like a barbie doll. I am who I am, My genetics are unchangeable, but how I long for smaller fried eggs. I was lucky enough to get a look at my generous friends rack after she had had reduction surgery. It was something I had lusted after but I was completly convinced after seeing her lovely altered pair and that it is something I will be investigating as soon as my breast feeding journey is over. 

I do worry about changing something that could be so linked into what makes up me as a person. I believe people know me as "Michelle with the huge boobs". I wonder if I would be deleting a part of my personality whilst altering a large part of my physical appearance.

I am already imagining my new look, complete with a shirt that buttons without the gap. I dream of a future in which I can go for a run without holding on to the honkers for dear life. I think about walking down the street without someone yelling ,"that's one huuuge biarch" like out of that gigolo movie (this has never happened - but it could).
I cannot wait to jump with joy and not end up with a black eye. The day is closer than yesterday and my future feels less (top) heavy. Today, it is only an aspiration and I hope that I have enough courage to seek it out. I think it could be life changing, not just in a physical sense but I believe it could be personally healing in an emotional and healthy way.

Have you ever considered changing a part of you? It's a big deal isn't it.

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Michelle Walker is a Tasmanian born creative. An Artist for life, Visual Arts Teacher, Graphic Designer, Photographer, Hairdresser by trade and mother to two beautiful children.