Pre Natal Depression

Obligotory bump picture
Everyone that knows me knows that I don't 'do' pregnancy well. All this bullcrap about glowing and pregnancy 'being an amazing experience' is one of the biggest myths that women tell each other. 

When it comes to talking about pregnancy I relate more to people that talk more like This or This and the woman that wrote this post could possibly be my soul sister.

Whist I do believe some women could possibly enjoy being pregnant I will not lie to myself and the world around me that I am one of those people.

I am grateful that we are pregnant. After my husbands illness it was something we did not know if   we got to experience again. However I really resent that I have  to be the one to do all the hard work. Nine (ten if we are truthful) months is a long time.

Usually I am a very active person. I do four things at once and have 100 projects on the go. Being tired, feeling like crap 24/7, not being able to bend, drink alcohol, and eat normal food really impacts on my quality of life. I get to lose my job that I studied 10 years at Uni for and the most certain part of my future is going to the osteopath to get my back put back in once the trauma is over.

I have an alien living inside me and upon exiting me, like the a-fore mentioned movie,  I will endure a 2hr sleep pattern , extra skin and blubber, leaky boobs and many of the other joys of child bearing.

I hope to be able to leave the house without baby spew on me in the first six months and have at least attempted the house work at some stage in that period.

I don't get pregnancy cravings. I have never had a braxton hick. My hormones don't go crazy out of control and I often wonder if these things are yet another myth created by women.... perhaps I am unusual.

I do get turned off food, either because of the smell or the repercussions of a night of extreme heart burn ending in a spew. Foods I am avoiding at the moment are:

*Fried Food
*Tuna (anyone eating tuna)
*Promite (Savory toast spreads in general)
*Tomato Soup
*Carrot Cake
*Stews with a tomato base or with a fatty bit of meat involved
*Banana (fruit, bread, anything)
*Creamy foods

I am on antibiotics due to a secondary infection after having the flu and only being allowed to take hard core drugs like Panadol. My gall bladder aches but I have managed to avoid an actual attack since the diagnosis. I am beginning to feel tired again. I have put on very limited weight so far as I believe the stairs at my place of work are keeping me active. However I feel that, like the last pregnancy, the weight gain will come once I start breast feeding.
Yes I am whinging. No I do not feel guilty. It is how I feel.
I can not wait till the baby is born and I can at least share the responsibility/pains/joys of raising the child with my Husband. I intend to try my very hardest to be easier on myself and enjoy my last baby. I have stopped worrying about work and the future. I will not stress about the large pile of unfolded washing and dishes sitting on the sink. I will not listen to any stories of perfect mothering techniques or guilt from not going back to work soon enough/staying at home long enough from anyone. I will mother my last baby how I feel is best. I will leave the hospital and get home as soon as I am able. I will parent in a more natural manner and not listen to people who tell me the correct methods of breast feeding, sleep techniques and other hocus-pocus ideals of a life that doesn't actually exist. I will not engage with a new mothers group that does not allow people to be less than perfect.
I am older. Wiser.
Perhaps I will share with you my story of my first birth and labour. It will be a brutally honest story that could potentially turn people off getting pregnant at all. Perhaps I wont share it, we will see.
The truth of child bearing and child raising is far from the ideal that most people tend to hold themselves to. I feel it is a truth that needs sharing more than it does. Child rearing is not for everyone and the endless amount of stars that have to align for a woman to become a mother means that it is not something that everyone gets to (or wants to) experience.
We need to stop being so hard on ourselves and share in the many and unique experiences that women endure, even if that does mean being brutally honest sometimes.
It is not all 'rose coloured glasses' in my world, and you know what? That's OK too.

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Michelle Walker is a Tasmanian born creative. An Artist for life, Visual Arts Teacher, Graphic Designer, Photographer, Hairdresser by trade and mother to two beautiful children.