Do you ever want to just say "enough"! Throw a massive tanty and go hide in a dark corner for a while? I do - often.
This is how I am feeling about studying my last semester of university that started this week. It would be so easy to just throw it all away but I fear the guilt of not achieving and regret that I would face in the future. I swear this will be my last degree, I didn't even want to do this one as I was so burnt out from my other studies. But alas my other degrees are not "money earners" in our regional location.
Don't get me wrong - I am really looking forward to being a teacher, its just the process of jumping through the hoops so you can do what you already know you are capable of. I have found that 90% of any degree that I have done is unusable in a real work context, you are just ticking the boxes to get the piece of paper so that the real learning can begin on the job. Someone in the hierarchy has decided that this must be learned to achieve that degree so therefore the reading must be done.
Do you ever feel that underlying sadness that can't be shaken no matter how much you have, achieve or portray? Do you ever think that it all sounds so ungrateful considering we are in good health, have a roof over our head, can buy food to fill your tummy, don't live in a third world country, are refuges and generally have the freedom to exist as we would like to? Yes it is ungrateful if we don't remember these things occasionally. We live in a lucky country with numerous opportunities if you just get off your butt, stop whinging and get active in your own development.
I understand all this, I actively support my life with personal development and assist others with my community work to do the same. Yet sometimes I just feel sad. Yes there are things that I would like to have in my life, you know the stuff that fairy tales are made of but mostly I am very lucky and I also work very hard to find that luck.
Last year I had a complete health check, as my husband had been cleared of cancer I thought it time to look after myself. I was in the clear with everything but one thing - I was outrageously low in Vitamin D. Being fair, part red head, located in Tasmania and obsessively sun smart my Vitamin D levels had no chance of reviving to a normal level through natural means. It was recommended that I take a high dosage to get me back up. I was also feeling really sad for next to no reason. After a while I started feeling a bit better, day by day. This Vitamin D thing has a lot to do with my depressed state. Apparently quite a large percentage of people that live in a cooler state like Tasmanian will have a low or very low count of Vitamin D, we also have high suicide rates - coincidence?
My intake over the last couple of months had slowed again, someone made reference to me being "sad". I hadn't realised but I was getting restless again. I started taking Vitamin D again and within days I was already feeling better, not exceedingly high on life but much better in the least.
I see a lot of frustration and sadness on our social media, It makes me frustrated that the same people whinge about the same things, yet never actually be proactive in their own lives.
There is no knight in shiny armor people - you are your own knight.
So here's an experiment - if you are feeling sad, depressed or moody why don't you go and get yourself some Vitamin D tablets and some rescue remedy for the panic attacks and see if you can feel better - not earth shattering happiness - just better. Give it a week and then please - let me know how you are feeling. I would love to see if anyone else has this work for them like it does for me.