Un {Confidence}

People think that I am extremely confident, opinionated and strong willed....but am I?? Who believes the illusion? Who judges the illusion?
People think I have "made it" in the local art world? Who believes that illusion?? Not I...
People think I am comfortable with my weight: because I care about my fashion choices? Because I seem to be accepting of it? Because I dare to show my face in public looking like I do?
People give the illusion that everything is ok in their life but does anyone know what really going on in their head?

When I was young I was extremely shy, as I am sure many were. It carried into my teens where I landed a hairdressing apprenticeship. I was forced to talk to people, on any subject, even when I didn't feel like it. Five years later I was an expert on any topic (even sports!!!) and could usually arouse a conversation from even the hardest of clients. Public speaking does not come naturally to many, after years of standing up and doing presentations I still feel uneasy and sick about it. Speaking to new people is still a hard thing to do regardless of the illusion.

When blogging I write whats on my mind but often forget that people read it, read things into my words and think that this is my confidence overflowing into the world. It's not the case, I don't want a acclaim and worship for my life choices, I enjoy what I do and that is all.  I blog for my own pleasure not for anyone else's (not that I want you to stop reading, just take it with a grain of salt...and I love your comments BTW.) My blog is not a "standard" for anyone else's achievements, I do not expect anyone to be as busy as me (or wish it on anyone). I feel though that this sometimes effects my friendships but I guess if they can't accept what I do then I guess its better that we are not friends.

I have been told numerous times that I have "made it" in our town and have no need for the help other emerging artists receive. An illusion of success? All the work that I have done for arts in the town was for the communities benefit, not mine. I spend more time promoting other peoples work than I would ever my own. I do the newspaper articles and interviews to get the "arty word" out there...it's just my face that keeps popping up beside it. I just wish that one day my turn will come and I will land that "dream job" or that "special break " that's just about my work. Jealousy always wins when I see it happening naturally to others, but it doesn't last for long before I become genuinely happy for them. Everyone deserves a dream.

I know that I am curvy (i'm not saying obese or anything, i'm not quiet that delusional) but i hate the way clothes hang on me. I love seeing those skinny rake girls that clothes hang beautifully on and i imagine how disgusting it would look draped over the massive girls on my chest. I have been told I can pull it off because of my "confidence"...ha...little do they know.

When it comes to my opinions that's exactly what they are....my opinions. If yours differ then lets have a discussion...not an argument...but why can't people talk about their thoughts without getting all "antsy" and "broken friendship" about it. We can still be friends and have different thoughts you know...its what makes us unique, and who wants to be a clone of everyone else. If everyone liked the same things then who would marry all the ugly boys and wear the horrid tacky clothes (see that's "my" opinion, don't send me comments on ugly boys and tacky clothes).

Un- confidence is everywhere, skinny girls think they are fat and beautiful girls think they are ugly its just the degree of perception and acting ability that change. Social interactions are hard...hard work.

I saw a nice saying today, "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live in your head rent-free". Its so true, underneath any confidence is a head thinking, worrying, self doubt and blowing things out of proportion. Grudge-holding wastes precious time on building up our own confidence. We should worry about our insides rather than everyone else's perceptions. Live and let live, I think. Let people live how they see fit, make the relationships they want. Everybody deserves to be treated equal under the law and in the community.

This rant has not gone where i wanted it to...I don't really know where it went wrong and i am not going to start again. I guess what I want to say is maybe we shouldn't judge people by their appearance only their actions. Genuine  people always show their true colours and have nothing to hide. In the end its always up to peoples perception and what you they want to believe. Personally no one can control others perceptions but we can stop judging others.

END OF D&M..thanks for listening xo

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Michelle Walker is a Tasmanian born creative. An Artist for life, Visual Arts Teacher, Graphic Designer, Photographer, Hairdresser by trade and mother to two beautiful children.