Leave ME Alone!!!!

Last night i was feeling poorly. I have been having huge headaches and migraines, tiredness and general lack of enthusiasm for life. Working four days a week, motherhood, house duties and my artistic pursuits drain me. I love what i do but sometimes its all a bit to much. So much for the year of "dead wood", it seems that my stress levels have not altered since i tried to change my mindset.

So back to last night...i was having a quiet moment by myself...my head was chatting away as usual (damn that bitch can talk!!!) and i heard myself saying "stop slouching!!! You know you will end up one of those old women with a hump back" but funnily enough i heard myself say "back off!!! Leave me alone!!! I am tired. my back hurts, i feel like crap, i don't need you beating me up as well!!". I never answer back...not even to myself...shock!!!

So right here i would like to  point out that i am not crazy, there is not a voice telling me to burn down schools or anything. I'm sure (well i'm hoping) that everyone has such discussions in their head...you know like when you mentally take notes on what your doing later in the day (dear Lord please just don't let this be me....).

Back to the story...i am pretty sure we are our own worse critics. I beat myself up in front of the mirror on a twice daily routine. I avoid mirrors when i am getting out of the shower, i hate myself for sneaking that naughty treat the day before, i hate that i am too tired to get up off the couch to finished the twenty different projects floating around my house, i avoid clothes that only look good on those skinny flat chested bitches in the magazines...you know the usual.....

We are our hardest critics. How many times have you looked in the mirror thinking you are having the worse hair day ever and then upon going down the street and someone complimenting your hair for the first time in six months...its a strange world and perhaps we all see things with different eyes, perhaps thats why we all have different tastes in style, clothing, hair etc. 

People in the world are carrying their own baggage of doubts, self worry and family issues and quite often we take that as "our" problem, something we have done. I know i can over think someones reaction to something i have said so easily, I put extra thoughts in to peoples actual words, and i fear people do the same with my words. Quite often things that i think are important don't get across and then a flippant off-handed comment made without thinking is the one thing that they listen too. Generally people are hard on each other and its sad that individually we are all hard on ourselves as well.

I have no answers on how to be nice to yourself (obviously) and i don't think we can be totally "positive" 24/7.  I mean, some of the self claimed "nicest" people are not nice at all, and i don't think that winter is helping me progress past the self loathing. I am pretty sure none of us are ever 100% happy with themselves but if you can get to the 80% mark i think you can live a fantastic life. Personally i have no idea how to get there so any words of wisdom you have for me are welcome, please no airy-fairy rubbish or quotes, they don't work for me either. To take a compliment from someone is also very hard work, but a simple thankyou is often the best reaction. Isn't it funny how one mean remark/experience can counteract multiple lovely remakes made in a blink of an eye. Perhaps we should compliment one other person each and every day to slightly counteract the conversations happening in ones head, and i don't mean a suck up compliment ...but something sincere.

I fear this post is not full of answers... only more questions. I guess i really just wanted to see if other peoples "inner voice" was so damn loud...ha ha. Oh well back to the self loathing, least i am good at it.

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Michelle Walker is a Tasmanian born creative. An Artist for life, Visual Arts Teacher, Graphic Designer, Photographer, Hairdresser by trade and mother to two beautiful children.